Just when you’ve settled into a life pattern, something comes along which knocks you out of your rhythm. This has been a constant in my life the last few years. Or, to put another way, the old saw about the only constant being change has certainly held true.

Things have been tracking poorly over the last few months, and years in some respects. But a couple things have changed lately that provide me with solace and perhaps even a bit of hope.

The stresses of the day-to-day have wrecked my creative output. Yes, I still would make something when the mood struck, a rare time indeed, or when an obligation forced my hand. Perhaps it’s a testament to my gifts that I always succeeded.

Now, however, I’ve been dealt a good hand–a wonderful hand, even.

The scariest question of all right now is what to do. While I don’t need to find employment financially for the next little while, the drive to do so–and to make it reliable–is overwhelming. The drive to create as vocation is there, and I feel that success in that realm is, if not assured, than at least highly likely. Yet taking the plunge and devoting all of my energy into making something out of what has clearly been a hobby to this point is disablingly terrifying.

Yet at the same time, also terribly exciting.

Fear has ruled my world for far too long in innumerable realms. It’s time for me to ride this bull, yet do it smartly.

So the day-job folks have essentially said goodbye. Unless they decide to suddenly ramp up their web development, I’m basically out of work. I know this is a very common thing currently. Doesn’t make it any less of a change.

This provides me with not only a problem, but also an opportunity. I can focus more energies into creating music and developing my composition/production business. So I think I’m going to add a quote request section here. Now to go search for WordPress plugins that enable that kind of thing, which should be pretty simple as it’s just going to be a form that emails me.

Changes indeed.

One of the interesting things about an artist’s life–or at least this artist’s life–is the fickleness of happiness. Really, it’s a transient thing. I can go from abject depression to ebullient joy in a heartbeat, usually from just choosing one vs. the other. Emotions in general are transient.

That said, sometimes a particular emotion, say sadness, has more sway than others. This is known in common parlance as depression. I have moods like that often. It seems to go in cycles. I’ll have a good week–or at least not spectacularly bad–followed by a do-I-even-want-to-get-up-and-do-anything week. Not that it’s inherently a problem to experience these things. It makes for great artistic fodder, at least when there’s art to be created or inspired creation to feed the energy it creates.

It’s my hope that I’ll have more opportunity to create, or at least receive compensation for same. Once the massage album is released (which should be any day now–I’ve yet to hear from the duplication folks re: the misprints), that will provide some impetus. In a sense that’s one reason for it’s creation: I needed a spark. Having product, and particularly people who want that product, means everything. No longer would I need to dig in my soul for a reason.

Wanting to do a lot of things in life is tough. Prioritizing things can be difficult. But I know what I want to do, but I also know what will enable me to do what I want. Unfortunately, right now those are two separate things.

Music is a part of my life, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future. But right now it’s not enabling me to take care of business, i.e. not paying the bills. I know, in my heart, that it will do that in the future, but I don’t know when that transition will happen. And that not knowing is annoying at best, heart-breaking at worst.

Things will get better, I know. It’s not helped from the stress of moving to a new place. I want things to get fixed, but I know it’ll take time.